It was widely known that HIV and Condom harboured acrimonious feelings towards each other. Not the best of mates, their meetings were laced with acerbic exchanges. Condom smirked, while HIV fleered, waiting for an opportune moment to sneak in and catch the HIV guard, off-guard.
One fine night, they had an intercourse, during the course of an intercourse, in a narrow dark alley, where the sun didn’t shine. Almost immediately, emotions ran high and they got embroiled in fact-slinging, each trying to trump the other.
The Overstated AIDS ‘problem’
HIV began with a flourish.
His patience wore thin for vested interests deriving livelihoods from propagandizing a sense of doomsday. He felt that too much attention was being heaped on his quiet existence. The AIDS ‘problem’ was a hyperbole. An effective scare-mongering propaganda designed by health professionals to secure their futures, by capitalizing on man’s disinclination to invert, for a true picture of reality. With millions and experts working in tandem to schedule his meeting with the Dodo, HIV had valid reasons for embitterment.
HIV flung numbers. Earthwide death run-rate was 56 million per year. HIV/AIDS made up 1.8 million of this pie, a fat 3%. 35 million were affected across the world with AIDS, a paltry 0.5% of global population. What was his crime rate? 5% (death by AIDS / affected AIDS population).
More people smoked and drowned in tobacco and alcohol every year. Which, in turn, was overshadowed by humans falling prey to heart diseases, stroke and diabetes.
HIV was particularly spiteful of the developed world. He alleged that having enjoyed the consequences of unbridled procreation for centuries, the developed world now attempted to dissuade the developing world from following suit (barring a few veterans, many of whom were in early stages of population pollution). His biggest growth markets were imperilled. AIDS combatants were quick to point out that continued investments in prevention was a prerequisite to holding him down.
Plausible (non)sense. He also took a moment to revile Condom, who was fast becoming a thorn in his flesh.
Condom didn’t appreciate being condomned. He countered that HIV had nothing to fear from him. As HIV recoiled in surprise at this unforeseen statement, Condom recounted some numbers.
Globally, around 15 billion of his ilk were born annually. The Earth’s population was 7 billion. Assuming a 1:1 gender ratio, men numbered 3.5 billion. A chunk of the 3.5 billion male population would be kids. Condom estimated that ~1 billion would be below the Copulation Limit (65 million new males born every year x 15 years; he assumed procreation probability to increase meaningfully post the age of 15).
That was 6 Condoms per man, per year.
Eager researchers had discovered that a man indulged in rumpy pumpy about 104 times, on average, a year; about twice a week. Condom found that hard to believe but continued anyway. He rounded that down to 100 times a year.
Per man, per year: rumpy pumpy = 100, Condoms = 6. Assuming his success rate at protection was 100% (punnily, a stretch), that left a near 95% chance for (un)happy additions to the Earth’s population bill and for HIV to live peacefully.
Turning to the future-human-bearers: 100 million women around the world used oral contraceptives, 3% of the world’s female population.
He was no threat to HIV’s continued existence.
HIV pretended to be lost in contemplation. Experiencing a change of mood, he assumed a pastorly tone.
With business-like efficiency, socialists/capitalists/altruists/humanitarians in the pro-population control brigade (pharmaceutical companies, condom manufacturers, NGOs, WHO, HELL, WHY…) used the above to highlight the ‘grave problem’ facing the world in their demands for continued funding.
Until medical science played spoil sport, the odds heavily favoured him outliving humans. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing. He had naively thought that deterrents to population pollution would be welcomed. Ironically, humans welcomed photosynthesis-loving trees that swapped CO2 for O2 but abhorred AIDS that promised to ensure an increase in per-capita O2 availability through reduction in headcount!
Condom, meanwhile, had wriggled out of a sticky situation, successfully.
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for an audience that enjoys a satrical bent to reality. It is not meant to influence opinions or further either pro- or anti-social rhetoric. Sharers bear the risk of misinterpretation when quoting out of context or by mismatching audience and content. Numbers are cited from official sources and not the figment of my imagination.