Tractor Bewails The Charge Of The Mongrels

Times had changed and perceptions had undergone a tectonic shift. At the receiving end of this development and unable to find an outlet for his sooty exhausts, the grumpy Tractor would often reminisce the woeful state of affairs in silence.

Tractor‘s mind wandered back in time, a couple of centuries earlier, when he was the farmer’s most beloved companion. The Agriculture Revolution was a blessing, even though he had to contend with recriminations from bullock-folk, whose market he had managed to dent significantly. His longevity, lower maintenance and efficiency had greatly aided his owners’ wallets and soon he gained prime position in man’s agrarian lifestyle.

But the wheels of time trample over many.

As centuries rolled by, Tractor found competition in the metallic subjects of the Industrial Revolution. As machines powered livelihoods, Tractor was relegated as a sidekick, a position he didn’t take to kindly. Farmers, who had earlier preferred brand new Tractors, now scrambled to locate the best deal for used ones.

His biggest grouse, though, by way of competition came from an unlikely front in the 21st century. Mongrels.

Humans had come to adore mongrels so much that a new culture was born. Dogs took centre stage in human affairs. A development, while not entirely unwelcome, unnecessarily exaggerated in Tractor‘s opinion. Dogs became arm candy for some owners, though they never admitted it as much. An attractive pet in one’s arms came to be viewed as a useful appendage to social advancement. Tractor also sensed that as man became less adept at carrying on conversations with fellow humans, mongrels filled the gap, with enthusiastic pants and cuddles.

Tractor‘s owner went to great lengths to cultivate his pet dog; family, as he was quick to remind those with the impudence of referring to his Dog as a dog. Though the Dog was initially purchased for $100, the owner deemed it derogatory to assign a price to his prized possession. Only Tractors and farm bullock were material entities, capable of being valued.

For abundant nutrition, Dog was fed with the choicest pet food procured after duly consulting mongrel nutritionists, which was a budding industry. To aid visual appeal, Dog enjoyed several trips to pet grooming salons, another promising business, for pedicure, massages, ear cleaning, shampooing, skin conditioning, and overall grooming to look dapper and behave appropriately in social outings. For weddings, Dog‘s owner left no stone unturned in adorning his family in the best possible clothing. The mongrel was then trained under a watchful trainer (paid by the hour). Several months later, Dog emerged, ready to take on fellow mongrels at competition.

Armed with such amenities and confidence, Dog proceeded to win a competition, against other dogs. This resulted a 50-fold increase in Dog‘s market value, to $5,000. Demand for breeding shot up significantly post this win, with breeding rentals to produce future winner pups costing $500 – $1,000 per breeding session. Dog‘s owner made a weighty bundle from these activities but was quick to shoot down any references to material ambitions, when reminded gently. Dog was family, without a price tag.

All this left Tractor quite despondent. In what he thought was a case of anomalous pricing, a Tractor cost about the same as a Dog. Dog‘s efficiency was no comparison to his own, Dog‘s utility in a productive sense was no comparison to his own, and yet, Dog was valued at par, sometimes higher. He managed a smile at the irrationality.

With this realisation came a grand idea. Tractor inferred that an indirect way of enhancing his value was by having an ownership interest in a diversified group of high-probability winner mongrels, majority owned by his owner. In return, Tractor would willingly put in higher hours on the farm. Owner would be happy. Tractor would be happy. There would be goodness all around.

In reality, Tractor had no issues whatsoever with Dog, who was a faithful friend. It was the gaudy flamboyance of some dog owners and their odd perception of altruism that amused him greatly.

Meanwhile, the owner’s father – a rather aged chap – made a stunning discovery while browsing the web. A picture spoke a 1,000 words.


Source: Google Trends

There was significantly higher interest in mongrels. Tractor wasn’t too enthused staring at this chart.

Old people were left for the dogs. Quite literally.



1) Own interests in businesses that benefit from man’s obsession with mongrels, and pets in general.

2) Own a pet dog, Pluto. Our relations are lovingly cordial minus the jazzy razzle-dazzle.


A Mouse & Cow’s Plea to PETA

Mates Mickey and Bovy were in a state of mordancy. They noticed that while much progress was achieved in abolishing human slavery, the slaving that they were subject to at the hands of humans was blithely ignored. The ironies of human beings, with whom they had the (mis)fortune of dwelling, was a topic that featured prominently in their post-dinner musings.

Irredeemably melancholic, Mickey moused over his ever-growing list of woes. The netherworldly treatment meted out by scientists, often proudly but ironically referring to themselves as Doctors, irked him greatly. Mickey couldn’t fathom how Tommy, the dog, was Man’s best friend, when he did more to assist humans in finding solutions to pesky diseases.

Mickey was the preferred beta-tester of choice for humans interested in finding the effects of deplorable stimuli (virus, cigarettes) on humans. The rise of medical research was a primary reason behind his pitiable situation. As the chosen spokesperson of his rodent community, Mickey shared that a great bulk of experiments, 97% to be precise, were performed on his genetically defiled brethren. He noted wryly that while animal rights activists condemned experiments performed on the large animals – apes and pigs – countless experiments that led to massive reduction in his community’s numbers received little attention. Perhaps size did matter, after all.

Years of man-induced genetic hankypanky was partly responsible for his melancholic state of mind. Reproduction and associated hereditary bequests was creating a worrisome situation, greatly endangering his family’s long-term survival probability. Humans seemed to have a queer sense of equality. Certain chosen ones in the animal kingdom, dogs and cats figured primarily, enjoyed undivided and unconditional affection; while vital weapons in Man’s war against diseases – rodents/fishes – were witness to the ugly side of Man’s apathy. He winced at this imbalanced state of affairs.

Bovine Bovy chimed in with her tales of sadness. A recent pronouncement, championed by that spokesperson of animal woes, PETA, had led to a ban on oil companies using bullock as a mode of transporting kerosene. PETA activists were elated. Their 5 year struggle had finally borne fruit, leaving Bovy with a bittersweet feeling. Her udders were being routinely manhandled by humans since Antiquity but PETA, oddly, did not seem to consider it a worthy cause to battle for. Bullock were bollocks, pretty much, according to her. They idled around, mostly, occasionally indulging in rumpy pumpy and some recreational weight lifting. Of course, many of them were ill-treated, malnourished and flirting with death but so was her ilk. She was more useful to Man, bestowing livelihoods to many and providing a range of edible produce derived from her fountainudd.

Bovy fleered that size had little to do with this odd sense of righteousness and equality of treatment that humans and PETA exhibited. She was big but evidently it wasn’t enough to excite PETA’s attentions. A few rarities campaigned for their cause but achieving significant headway was proving tough.

Mickey nodded limply. They toyed with the idea of opting for a quadruped change procedure, dogs being their unanimous choice of appearance, as they seemed to be most loved by humans. Allowing for the near impossibility of this course of action, they explored other avenues. Both contemplated engaging the services of Tommy’s highly effective PR agency. Affection, however unjustly misdirected, was a valuable resource. Mongrels were best placed to influence their guardians, the humans, to provide a voice for Mickey and Bovy and their respective ilk.

Their demands were rather modest. They had nothing personal against dogs or other large animals. All Mickey desired was a level sacrificial playing ground for one and all. Equal numbers of every animal known to Man ought to be used for prospective experiments, dogs and cats included. Tommy did not Hifi-ger at this and refused to take up their assignment. Bovy wanted a protocol to be tabled into law, outlining civil udder-handling practices. Their modest proposals were put to vote in the Assembly of Quadrupeds but expectedly, soon ran into irresolvable roadblocks and was eventually beaten down.

The mongrel lobby proved too strong.

PETA and other animal rights activists could not attend the congregation due to pressing celebratory commitments.

Bovy, punnily, cowed in a rare display of aggression.

Mickey was back in a hole.