How The CON Sea Problem Was Resolved – Satire Of The South China Sea

Posted: August 16, 2012 in Crazy ideas, humor, Humour
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to reality, however dysfunctional, is entirely intentional.

The nuclear age that had taken birth, surreptitiously, in the depths of the last World War, was proving to be a promising financial disaster for countries across the globe, already pulverised by the never-ending financial crisis.

Wisdom had begun to dawn on the handful of nations that were perched high on the nuclear ladder. They realised – after decades of sinking investment in fortifying themselves – that it was essentially a costly experiment in nothingness. Since 1945, despite close encounters and promising starts, miraculously, humankind hadn’t succumbed to unreason. Half a century had passed and the world had witnessed little mass action. No wars were forthcoming. Griping was high, as a result.

Smaller nations were knocking on the door to be part of the elite Fight Club. The Wise Guys nodded sadly, as attempts to pass on the lessons of their folly to these new members failed miserably.

A Council of Nations (CON) had been strung together, amid an atmosphere of healthy mistrust and cordial suspicion. A meeting was arranged and CON Members assembled at an unknown location. The agenda was unclear but many assumed the platform was likely to be used to conjure up a consensus to waging war, and putting an end to decades of collective wasteful expenditure and inaction.

An issue, which had the potential to trigger inclusive disharmony, was the need of the hour. Suggestions were solicited and after brief jousting, Members agreed on the CON Sea. The CON Sea was a sore nerve for years. Everyone thought they owned parts of the Sea but nobody seemed ready to agree. Even to disagree.

At stake were big numbers; multi-billion barrels of crude oil and multi-multi-billion cubic feet of natural gas. Or, so everyone thought. Curiously, everyone’s interest was piqued the moment these hidden treasures were discovered. Financial considerations had a magical way of fathering sovereign interests.

The largest CON Member by size – they called it Big C – immediately jumped into the discussion. It wanted a leading voice and exercised its rights to much of the area, citing history. History was a faithful friend to those particularly gifted in selective perception. Almost all CON Members seemed to share this exceptional gift. To their surprise, Members found that their respective drawings on the map seemed to overlap with everyone else’s.

Tempers threatened to simmer, and then soar. The smaller CON members harboured secret misgivings towards Big C, whose sole reason for existence was to thwart them, or so they thought. They wanted to see Big C out, if possible, but few enjoyed the force or will for a frontal assault. Forced smiles were seen. The meeting went nowhere.

Some smaller CON Members thought of turning to U. Sham, to solicit its wisdom. Sham had a reputation around the world as the Omnipresent Purveyor of Universal Freedom, who had a curious way of landing up, often self-invited, on sensing trouble. Its advice – solicited or otherwise, frequently otherwise – was aimed at quelling trouble when it saw one. Mystically, Sham’s ‘interests’ seemed to span the globe, even in places it had never visited, or heard of, before.

This was fertile territory indeed. U. Sham yearned to get involved, but wasn’t invited. Worse, none seemed keen on extending an invitation. It hoped that someone might invoke the Mutual Defence/Security Treaty that might help it sneak in to the Fight Club. Of course, this could happen only if Big C acted unruly. Big C appeared uninterested, so far. Whether Big C wished to send a message to other CON Members or to U. Sham (or both) was not superficially clear.

Meanwhile, a few more players were in motion elsewhere. Com. Reddie, was seen in conversation with a rather preachy icon known for his pacifist stance, G. D. Ian.

Both seemed a trifle worried at this drama. They thought, not without basis, that CON Sea was really a subtle exchange between Big C and U. Sham. They had to unite, even if temporarily, to avoid being sidelined by either the former, or the latter.

Matters came to a head, soon after. But almost everyone, independently, decided that nuclear arms were an inappropriate tool for warfare as surprise element was non-existent. Something else was needed in its place. They settled for Edible Warfare.

Thanks to technology, the world now produced and ate so much food, inventories were swelling globally. Food rotted, as inefficiencies in the supply chain between inventories and those in need of food were high. It was thought fighting with Food would serve multiple purposes. It would take care of wastage, possibly solve the problem of hunger (socially responsible objectives) and would be a truly surprise element (strategic objective).

The launch of battle was disputed. U. Sham assumed Big C of hanky-panky, Big C duly reciprocated with its perception. Smaller CON Members wished to have the first-mover advantage and assumed that U. Sham would assume Big C’s assumption and would go to war anyway. So they moved pre-emptively. Reddie consulted G. D. Ian, who seemed to be in the default posture of saintly meditation. Stupor was broken, belatedly, and they decided to get involved.

D-Day dawned and bombings began. Food-laden ICBMs flew furiously hither thither. MIGs and F-s downloaded food grains, while submarines capable of carrying vast tonnage of food as payload zoomed underwater. The assault of edibles was so fierce and so much food exchanged that the world paused to wonder. No one had thought there was such a huge stockpile of food on the planet. Gluttony and wastage competed for top spot.

Hawk-eyed observers sensed certain changes as a result of this mode of warfare. Instead of cowering in fear, people began eating more free food. They ate so much that large swathes of populace succumbed to the bear hug of gluttony and obesity. Damage was mutual and widespread.

Both social and strategic objectives were met. But there was no winner.

A gargantuan amount of food was eaten. More was simply frittered away. Edible Warfare had exacted a great toll. There was massive food shortage.

Nobody seemed interested in the barrels of oil and cubic feet of natural gas camouflaged beneath the CON Sea.

These could not be eaten.

 

 

 

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Comments
  1. Ankur Mithal says:

    Is this the new “battle of the bulge”?

    Noted another masterful phrase: used to conjure up a consensus to waging war, and putting an end to decades of collective wasteful expenditure and inaction.

  2. “…These could not be eaten.”

    True, but it was not long before CON began to champion the growth of plantable (even if only potted) thoughts to stimulate the growth of edible words. Speakers and writers worldwide were encouraged with government funding to fill the airwaves and intenet with everything from lip-smacking tidbits, to meaty mainstream fare. All very juicy, of course…and freshly minted. As a result the worldwide dependency on traditional food production was replaced by literally talking thoughts into the ground, and sprouting them without any further need of petroleum fueled machinery or fertilizer.

    Unfortunately, with this growing worldwide passion for eating the produce of minds, there began a widespread dependency on using composted verbiage to help ‘fertilize’ the next crop of edible thought. And that’s when a new strain of untreatable Idiocracy began to emerge (from the decay of verbal poop)…and almost immediately went ‘viral’

    (He notes…as he begins to choke on the idiotic content of this comment… 😉

    • HaLin says:

      William, your fertile imagination is admirable. (It has planted some nascent thoughts in my head, hopefully they shall see the light of the day sometime.)

      I like the idea of an Idiocracy, seems a welcome change from plutocracts and kleptocrats that roam the earth now.

      I wonder, with thought planting, would droughts then be a welcome event? 🙂

      • Droughts welcome? Would that not give new life (literally) to “Perish the thought!?” Or, perhaps ‘fertilize’ the meaning of “You can’t win for losing!?”

        😉

      • HaLin says:

        Many would then, thoughtfully, cry out for ‘thought’ subsidies. The possibilities of your idea, William, are endless. My brain is racing!

        I like the oxymoronic reference (‘…give new life to perish…)

  3. […] will persist, but not escalate, in the South China SeaWhat should the US do in the South China SeaHow The CON Sea Problem Was Resolved – Satire Of The South China Sea var jplayerswf = […]

    • HaLin says:

      Thank you for the trackback. It behooves me, though, to forewarn that my treatment is a satirical take on the issue. Facts are never twisted, but opinions are a figment of imagination.

  4. He stood on the stage, cleared his throat, pulled the microphone closer, then began…

    “I think, therefore I….”

    And that’s when he noticed that several people in the front row were beginning to insert hearing aids between their lips….

    “Hey folks, will put those things away?! I mean, if you’re that hungry, then why don’t you just stick ’em up your butt and ‘recycle’ some of your own damn thoughts!?”

    (Just another take on how the concept might be expanded…in case you’re thinking about writing a sequel to “How The CON Sea Problem Was Resolved.” Which I strongly recommend. With your talent it could easily become a ‘WordPress’ classic!) 😉

    • HaLin says:

      Recyled thoughts (a la ‘origination of shitty thoughts’, or some such). 🙂

      I suspect this isn’t the last we’ve heard of the CON Sea Problem. A follow-up is likely.

      Thank you for the appreciation. However, I think you would be best suited to expand this topic with a sequel! Do let me know, if you ever decide to pen one. I shall very gladly link back to it.

      Awesome line of thought there. Glad to know someone like you!

  5. This is an excellent piece — that I re-visited this blog and re-read it a second time. It is a shame I am related to U.Sham, I assure you I do not invade in other people’s businesses with the underlying plan to pursue my own interests!

    • HaLin says:

      Thank you, Frances!

      Do not feel sorry at all. Most times, the actions of most countries are at odds with what normal people like you and I feel. I don the hat of an alien peering at Earth and write as an alien would. Nothing for, or against, any country, or religion. Frequently, I contemplate a world that is devoid of demarcations by religion, regional, racial considerations; a sort of utopian equality.

      This blog is pro-tolerance, pro-peace and unabashedly, pro-humour, which I feel should be declared an independent Religion. 🙂

      I must also share that I truly enjoy your writings. The narrative, and your writing style. Always make me return for more!

  6. Eric Alagan says:

    U.Sham owns the gun – Big C owns the trigger…

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