Mates Mickey and Bovy were in a state of mordancy. They noticed that while much progress was achieved in abolishing human slavery, the slaving that they were subject to at the hands of humans was blithely ignored. The ironies of human beings, with whom they had the (mis)fortune of dwelling, was a topic that featured prominently in their post-dinner musings.
Irredeemably melancholic, Mickey moused over his ever-growing list of woes. The netherworldly treatment meted out by scientists, often proudly but ironically referring to themselves as Doctors, irked him greatly. Mickey couldn’t fathom how Tommy, the dog, was Man’s best friend, when he did more to assist humans in finding solutions to pesky diseases.
Mickey was the preferred beta-tester of choice for humans interested in finding the effects of deplorable stimuli (virus, cigarettes) on humans. The rise of medical research was a primary reason behind his pitiable situation. As the chosen spokesperson of his rodent community, Mickey shared that a great bulk of experiments, 97% to be precise, were performed on his genetically defiled brethren. He noted wryly that while animal rights activists condemned experiments performed on the large animals – apes and pigs – countless experiments that led to massive reduction in his community’s numbers received little attention. Perhaps size did matter, after all.
Years of man-induced genetic hankypanky was partly responsible for his melancholic state of mind. Reproduction and associated hereditary bequests was creating a worrisome situation, greatly endangering his family’s long-term survival probability. Humans seemed to have a queer sense of equality. Certain chosen ones in the animal kingdom, dogs and cats figured primarily, enjoyed undivided and unconditional affection; while vital weapons in Man’s war against diseases – rodents/fishes – were witness to the ugly side of Man’s apathy. He winced at this imbalanced state of affairs.
Bovine Bovy chimed in with her tales of sadness. A recent pronouncement, championed by that spokesperson of animal woes, PETA, had led to a ban on oil companies using bullock as a mode of transporting kerosene. PETA activists were elated. Their 5 year struggle had finally borne fruit, leaving Bovy with a bittersweet feeling. Her udders were being routinely manhandled by humans since Antiquity but PETA, oddly, did not seem to consider it a worthy cause to battle for. Bullock were bollocks, pretty much, according to her. They idled around, mostly, occasionally indulging in rumpy pumpy and some recreational weight lifting. Of course, many of them were ill-treated, malnourished and flirting with death but so was her ilk. She was more useful to Man, bestowing livelihoods to many and providing a range of edible produce derived from her fountainudd.
Bovy fleered that size had little to do with this odd sense of righteousness and equality of treatment that humans and PETA exhibited. She was big but evidently it wasn’t enough to excite PETA’s attentions. A few rarities campaigned for their cause but achieving significant headway was proving tough.
Mickey nodded limply. They toyed with the idea of opting for a quadruped change procedure, dogs being their unanimous choice of appearance, as they seemed to be most loved by humans. Allowing for the near impossibility of this course of action, they explored other avenues. Both contemplated engaging the services of Tommy’s highly effective PR agency. Affection, however unjustly misdirected, was a valuable resource. Mongrels were best placed to influence their guardians, the humans, to provide a voice for Mickey and Bovy and their respective ilk.
Their demands were rather modest. They had nothing personal against dogs or other large animals. All Mickey desired was a level sacrificial playing ground for one and all. Equal numbers of every animal known to Man ought to be used for prospective experiments, dogs and cats included. Tommy did not Hifi-ger at this and refused to take up their assignment. Bovy wanted a protocol to be tabled into law, outlining civil udder-handling practices. Their modest proposals were put to vote in the Assembly of Quadrupeds but expectedly, soon ran into irresolvable roadblocks and was eventually beaten down.
The mongrel lobby proved too strong.
PETA and other animal rights activists could not attend the congregation due to pressing celebratory commitments.
Bovy, punnily, cowed in a rare display of aggression.
Mickey was back in a hole.