The Assault Of Like & Whatever

Posted: January 11, 2012 in General, humor, Humour, Random nonsense
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

With the passage of time, Man’s lexical arsenal lost much of its potency. New-age WMDs (Words of Mass Destruction) were born.

Wallowing in the characterless netherworld, the WMDs gradually, like parasites, gnawed away at the healthy body of English Words. Impressively camouflaged and true to their characterless character, these Immortals successfully consummated a coup d’etat, toppling the ruling Lexicon.

The takeover complete, conversational vocabulary was reduced to a handful of words; which in turn, were degenerate derivatives of a once-beautiful wor(l)d. Word processors running Word counts in this new-age world seemed to have developed a particularly close relationship with two of these WMDs – Like and Whatever.

Rabidly misused and liberally misplaced, verbally challenged folks discovered in these gladiators a cure-all to their social troubles. Like, how they were loved! Users discovered to their immense relief that Like and Whatever served as great fillers when lines of thought ended abruptly, as they did often. Apart from their filler attributes, they became constant companions in social interactions. Anything that terminated emptiness was extended a warm welcome. On this measure, Like and Whatever enjoyed unrivalled attention.

Like, which was initially used to carry out comparisons, soon gained independence. It was mostly seen in the company of ‘you know’; like, ‘you know like?’ A question, invariably unnecessary, often unleashed to emphasize the obviousness of an idea, with a secondary objective of conveying the speaker’s erudition and a tertiary objective of reminding the listener of their stupidity.

Due to its sheer utility in standing in for incoherent thoughts and as a tool that accentuated one’s social standing, Whatever was particularly favoured. While Like was demography-neutral, Whatever was in vogue among the teenage universe. Cool Quotient and peer acceptance were directly linked to the (over)usage of Whatever. Whatever soon obliterated Period as the universally accepted indicator of terminated sentences. Over time, this virtue found believers in the community of the Seasoned, who, like, quite liked the idea of replacing Like with Whatever. Those that Liked poking fun at this recent development were Whatevered into oblivion.

However, beneath the countenance of peaceful coexistence, faint rumblings were heard by a few. Not all seemed well.

Like, due solely to his longer existence in lexical history, never liked being likened to Whatever. Whatever could be done to trump Whatever had to be done, like, urgently, Like thought. Digging deep into his vast warehouse of parasitic skills, Like concluded that the surest way to gain supremacy lay in fully decimating half-decimated thought processes.

As vices were most easily planted in formative years, Like began his assault on the teenage community. Like was overjoyed when he encountered little resistance in carrying out his intended objective. Initial victories came easily as Like discovered the torch-bearers of tomorrow drowning in an overdose of profoundly meaningless TV. Smartphones lent Like a helping hand, by carrying out an admirable job of eliminating smarts. The assault was so successful that Like found his way into swear-lexicon. ‘Crap! I’m Liked!’, soon replaced the aboriginal F-man. Simultaneously, Like tied up with Facebook and WordPress to trademark a button bearing his name. The move proved to be a stroke of genius.

While this was under-way, Whatever remained in his state of rest, furiously repeating his name, when well-wishers warned him of Like’s assault. Whatever’s well-wishers brought to his notice that his most lucrative Top 3 markets globally – cities in USA – were also cities where Like was most prominent. They encouraged worldwide geographic diversification. Whatever responded with a yawn-y,

Whatever

Like’s assault led to Whatever being marginalised into the Appendix. A highly methodical chap, Like rubbed salt into Whatever’s wounds by presenting a Google Trends chart, tracing their relative progress over time.

Whatever only managed a whimper, ‘Like, Whatever.

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Comments
  1. I’ve found that stand-up comedians might be one of the biggest group of users/abusers of Like up there with the traditional valley girl

    • but in their defense (not the valley girl defense), they’re using it to compare something ordinary into something absurd = laughter

      • HaLin says:

        I hadn’t noticed that. Thank you for drawing my attention. Will keep an ear open for the Hearing.

        I notice satire in there. I look forward to revisiting your blog.

  2. I teach high school and I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard the word “like” in a given day. It’s ridiculous.

  3. mrtinney says:

    I was initially confused, then afraid, to hit the Like button. However, after some deep thought and in context rationalization I figured ‘whatever’ and clicked like. I feel I may have erred…. great post just the same.

    • HaLin says:

      No one errs ‘ere, sire!

      Thank you for the words of appreciation.

      PS: Context rationalization is a term that is likely to make me sound intelligent in social interactions. I’m contemplating using it soon. Thank you!

  4. Do you live or have you ever been to California? The whole Valley Girl stereotype is painfully true. But it actually isn’t just the VGs that do it … it’s everyone! Especially in the film industry … sometimes I wonder why I didn’t notice that it’s every other word out of my husband’s mouth when we were dating haha

    • HaLin says:

      Have never lived there but many of my mates originate from the area. I agree that the VGs aren’t the only ones laying claim to liking Like. It is a cross-geographical phenomena that is conquering new territory rapidly. 🙂

  5. Sharmishtha says:

    amazing post, your posts are so full of interesting informations. i will have to admit i use some words like addict myself. “like” i believe is one of them.

  6. henri says:

    This is fantastic. You’ve just rightfully earned yourself another loyal blog reader. My blog roll needed some more humor and satire, so thanks for that.

  7. OyiaBrown says:

    An awful lot of truth in this.

  8. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I in finding this matter to be really one thing which I think I’d never understand. It kind of feels too complicated and extremely huge for me. I am taking a look forward on your subsequent publish, I’ll attempt to get the hold of it!

  9. charlywalker says:

    Whatever…………

    Like this post!

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