Posts Tagged ‘puns’

It was widely known that HIV and Condom harboured acrimonious feelings towards each other. Not the best of mates, their meetings were laced with acerbic exchanges. Condom smirked, while HIV fleered, waiting for an opportune moment to sneak in and catch the HIV guard, off-guard.

One fine night, they had an intercourse, during the course of an intercourse, in a narrow dark alley, where the sun didn’t shine. Almost immediately, emotions ran high and they got embroiled in fact-slinging, each trying to trump the other.

The Overstated AIDS ‘problem’

HIV began with a flourish.

His patience wore thin for vested interests deriving livelihoods from propagandizing a sense of doomsday. He felt that too much attention was being heaped on his quiet existence. The AIDS ‘problem’ was a hyperbole. An effective scare-mongering propaganda designed by health professionals to secure their futures, by capitalizing on man’s disinclination to invert, for a true picture of reality. With millions and experts working in tandem to schedule his meeting with the Dodo, HIV had valid reasons for embitterment.

HIV flung numbers. Earthwide death run-rate was 56 million per year. HIV/AIDS made up 1.8 million of this pie, a fat 3%. 35 million were affected across the world with AIDS, a paltry 0.5% of global population. What was his crime rate? 5% (death by AIDS / affected AIDS population).

More people smoked and drowned in tobacco and alcohol every year. Which, in turn, was overshadowed by humans falling prey to heart diseases, stroke and diabetes.

AIDS problem?

HIV was particularly spiteful of the developed world. He alleged that having enjoyed the consequences of unbridled procreation for centuries, the developed world now attempted to dissuade the developing world from following suit (barring a few veterans, many of whom were in early stages of population pollution). His biggest growth markets were imperilled. AIDS combatants were quick to point out that continued investments in prevention was a prerequisite to holding him down.

Plausible (non)sense. He also took a moment to revile Condom, who was fast becoming a thorn in his flesh.

Copulation-Population Condomdrum

Condom didn’t appreciate being condomned. He countered that HIV had nothing to fear from him. As HIV recoiled in surprise at this unforeseen statement, Condom recounted some numbers.

Globally, around 15 billion of his ilk were born annually. The Earth’s population was 7 billion. Assuming a 1:1 gender ratio, men numbered 3.5 billion. A chunk of the 3.5 billion male population would be kids. Condom estimated that ~1 billion would be below the Copulation Limit (65 million new males born every year x 15 years; he assumed procreation probability to increase meaningfully post the age of 15).

That was 6 Condoms per man, per year.

Eager researchers had discovered that a man indulged in rumpy pumpy about 104 times, on average, a year; about twice a week. Condom found that hard to believe but continued anyway. He rounded that down to 100 times a year.

Per man, per year: rumpy pumpy = 100, Condoms = 6. Assuming his success rate at protection was 100% (punnily, a stretch), that left a near 95% chance for (un)happy additions to the Earth’s population bill and for HIV to live peacefully.

Turning to the future-human-bearers: 100 million women around the world used oral contraceptives, 3% of the world’s female population.

He was no threat to HIV’s continued existence.

HIV pretended to be lost in contemplation. Experiencing a change of mood, he assumed a pastorly tone.

With business-like efficiency, socialists/capitalists/altruists/humanitarians in the pro-population control brigade (pharmaceutical companies, condom manufacturers, NGOs, WHO, HELL, WHY…) used the above to highlight the ‘grave problem’ facing the world in their demands for continued funding.

Until medical science played spoil sport, the odds heavily favoured him outliving humans. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing. He had naively thought that deterrents to population pollution would be welcomed. Ironically, humans welcomed photosynthesis-loving trees that swapped CO2 for O2 but abhorred AIDS that promised to ensure an increase in per-capita O2 availability through reduction in headcount!

Condom, meanwhile,  had wriggled out of a sticky situation, successfully.

Disclaimer: This blog is intended for an audience that enjoys a satrical bent to reality. It is not meant to influence opinions or further either pro- or anti-social rhetoric. Sharers bear the risk of misinterpretation when quoting out of context or by mismatching audience and content. Numbers are cited from official sources and not the figment of my imagination. 

A curious soul interested in the history of the tussle between Even and Odd would have to begin with Oddam and Eve…When the Creator, in a momentary lapse of reason, decided to give the Milky Way some unwanted company, He created humans. Two of them, to set things in motion.

Even had scored its first mighty strike…

The garden of Even probably made Adam and Eve optimistic about the just-born world, to realise they were two-in-arms in the vast expanse of stillness. A solitary organism might have ended humanity through self-destruction, even before chaos had weaved its magic. A marvellous possibility, which, ironically, never saw the light of the day.

The Creator, it turned out, was sympathetic to Even on the subject of Anatomy. He designed Man’s anatomy to be a house of Even, endowing him with two of most things. But great care was taken to ensure that inlets, outlets and reproductive attachments in the anatomy, were given to the house of Odd. Yet, admirers of Odd were few.

Somewhere along the way, inquisitive jocks decided to impart sophistication to the study of periodicity. They named the experiment, Time. By carefully following the motions of heavenly bodies, noting the repetition of mundanities and by running a battery of wondrously incomprehensible experiments in counting and accounting, they eventually succeeded in conquering Time.

60 ticks made 1 minute. 60 minutes turned into an hour. 24 hours turned into a day.

Someone decided to house time in watches for Man to glance at occasionally, through the course of the day. These novelties were initially seen in Circular shapes. A compartment resembling a Zero, housing time, for eternity.

Watches soon evolved, with other shapes jostling for man’s attention. Squares, Rectangles, Parallelograms, Hexagons, Octagons and other members of the Even-Sided Geometric Shapes club, all competed with the Circle for Man’s rare attentions. The Triangle and the Pentagon had to be content with guest appearances, quietly making way for the more powerful Even-Sideds who hogged the limelight.

It seemed Nature danced to the tune of Even.

Mathematics tried to bat for the lot of the Odd. This endeavour though, turned out to be only partly successful. When numbers came into existence, those that could be divided evenly, with odd exceptions, were named Composites (so an 8 which could be ripped into 2 x 4, 4 x 2, 8 x 1, 1 x 8 was stamped a Composite). Those fortunates, which withstood the scissors of division-by-the-evens were grandly named Primes. 1, one of the most useful numbers to Man, felt pride at owning the title of being neither a Prime nor a Composite.

Unfortunately, Primes were clunky, unwieldy characters, feared by most people, who had great trouble handling them in daily mental mathematics. The fastest way to successfully end a game of mental warfare was to pose a multiplication of the Primes, ironically involving Even digits (‘37 x 53, you!”).

The world of Multiplication further tilted the scales in favour of Even. Kids found that only when Odd was crossed with Odd, was the result Odd. Attempts at crossing an Even with an Odd, or an Even with an Even, ended in a victory for Even.

Mathematically assaulted kids found merriment in a game of picking the Odd one out. Oddly, Even as Odd was regularly singled out, few admired the ostracised gentleman.

Elsewhere in the field of astronomy, the solar system played host to 9 planets, till recently. One fine day, a bunch of astronomers decided that Pluto was unfit for Planet Society, unceremoniously ejecting it from the League. The poor chap can yet be seen rolling around the sun forlornly as an outsider, both intergalactically and socially, leaving the planet family happily inhabited with Even members.

Away from the world of science, Man found succour in the pleasantly cheerless world of social networking. Even was discovered lurking here, too, in the form of the Character Limit.

Odd was seen as a mark of the weird, a symbol of incongruity, irregularity, non-conformity; while Even was a paragon of symmetry and general goodness. In the epic battle of Even and Odd, Even emerged inoddinately successful.

There were a few who found the unspoken fascination with everything Even, a little Odd to digest.

They were picked off in the game of Odd one out.